Last night I met up with a friend who recently moved back to my city after being away for two years. Isaac was a good friend back then, and though we didn’t keep in contact while he was away, it’s nice to hang out with him again. He’s also a bi top, and our conversation eventually segued into our respective philosophies on bottoming. What was interesting to me was not necessarily that we both want to experiment with bottoming, but rather the different paths we’re taking to get to a point of acceptance.
As I wrote in a previous post, for me the issue is equating bottoming to my masculinity. But for Isaac, it’s about getting in touch with his feminine side. Listening to him explain his reasoning, I felt no connection to what he was saying. For me, bottoming has nothing to do with my feminine side.
Let me say too that while I can’t connect to his need to relate to bottoming from a feminine perspective, I nevertheless understand his rationale and think that getting to a point where bottoming isn’t psychologically a big deal is worth the effort, no matter what path you take. I find it fascinating to see how others are making their journey.
Isaac approaches it from the perspective that women are penetrated, which makes penetration feminine. A common enough school of thought, but I just can’t buy into it. I don’t relate a man being fucked to femininity any more than I relate a woman pegging him to masculinity. I get that it’s a reversal of the traditional roles assigned to men and women; I fail to see how reversing positions makes either party more or less masculine or feminine.
I think part of why I need my masculinity to come to terms with bottoming is because I dispute the long held tradition that bottoming makes you less of a man. By accepting bottoming as part of my feminine side, I would be implicitly agreeing that bottoming makes you less masculine.
Isaac told me he wanted to accept his inner woman coming out when he gets fucked. When I envision getting fucked, it’s not my inner woman being ravaged; I see the same masculine aspect of myself that tops. I’m only OK with it if it’s him being fucked, not a feminine version of him.
Gender fluidity comes into play in Isaac’s scenario where his feminine side is exerting itself. And I definitely have moments in my life where my gender is somewhat fluid, when – to borrow a phrase from Fifty Shades – my inner goddess awakens and does some sort of perfect back flip or pirouette or what have you. But she is definitely not around when I think about sitting on a thick, hard cock.
And yet I can’t escape society’s influence: even though I don’t see bottoming as emasculating, I still struggle to accept that in my own body. It would be much easier if I could go along with gender fluidity inducing the woman in me to let someone penetrate me, but that simply isn’t the case. I want bottoming to correspond to a deeper understanding of my masculine side, to personal acceptance of my belief that a man can enjoy his body without limitation regardless of whether he’s penetrating or being penetrated.
Clearly, I still have a long way to go in reconciling this desire with my image of myself. But I’m working on it.