All this reading I’m doing on homo history has me thinking about what it means to be the person who gets penetrated. Why do males who like it get such a bum rap? Why are they seen as less masculine?
When it comes to anal sex, I’m all top. That’s not to say that I’ve never tried bottoming. It just never really did it for me. But I wonder how much of that is psychological.
Truth be told, most of it is probably psychological. I mean, if I’m honest with myself, there was a certain amount of physical pleasure involved when I was able to relax. The male’s g-spot is, after all, in his ass, so it makes sense that it feels good. But I always get stressed out, and that only ends up being painful.
And this isn’t just a cock thing. A girl (or a guy) who tries to put a finger anywhere near my ass usually finds me wiggling away to safety, and my butt hole and ass cheeks go into lockdown.
Yet I know that if I were just to relax, it could actually be fun, could actually feel really good.
So then what’s the big deal?
I know so many guys who enjoy it when their boyfriends or girlfriends play with their asses. And when I look at these gay and straight friends, I honestly don’t see them as less masculine. Hell, if anything I look up to them in some ways. I mean, here you have guys who know where their g-spot is and aren’t afraid to use it. Which would make them more in touch with their masculinity. Which would in turn make them the more masculine for embracing and enjoying their masculinity, wouldn’t it?
Even though I’m the one using his pointy end to penetrate my sex partners, I don’t think of myself as being more masculine than the person just because I’m fucking them. I see it as two people coming together and offering a part of themselves. I also don’t think of masculinity as being better than femininity. They are different, but they are also equally valued in my eyes.
Why then does it become a challenge in my head when it’s me who should be on the receiving end?
And it’s not as if my aversion to taking someone’s member inside of me is universal: you can’t stick it in my bum, but my throat is available with pleasure.
It’s also not as if I tried it and absolutely hated it in the full knowledge that it was nothing for me. Like I said, on the very few occasions when I a) actually allowed myself to try it and b) didn’t whine like a bitch and actually managed to relax, I got off on it.
Part of it is that I like to be in control of my body, and being penetrating implies some sort of submission. But if you think about it, I can’t bring myself to use a part of my body to have fun. Am I really as in control of my body as I think I am? Besides, it’s really absurd to think that I’d be losing control just because someone puts a finger or a dick or a dildo or whatever inside my ass. Shit, there have been plenty of times where I may have been the one with my cock inside the other person, but the other person definitely fucked me in that I’m-in-charge-of-this-shit sort of way.
Furthermore, the sort of sex I’m into involves people who willingly give themselves to the other person. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I have to be willing to do it; both parties are really in control no matter what they contribute to the party or how aggressive or dominating the sex is. If it were a true situation of one person being stripped their control it would be called rape, and I’m not interested in that shit at all, from either side of that power dynamic.
Maybe I need to quite being a pussy, need to man up and give it a real go. It may turn out that I really don’t like it. But I think it’s high time I get past whatever it is psychologically keeping me from sincerely exploring that part of myself.
A few months ago I was browsing through Amazon’s selection of sex-related books and came across one purporting to teach men how to bottom. I rolled my eyes and added it to my list as a joke, but perhaps it’s time to bring that book to the front of the line.
Anyway, these are just some random musings, but I have a feeling this topic might resurface in the relatively near future once I’ve had some time to think about it more extensively.